Here we are again. Another birthday. Last year I wrote about feeling settled, even though our whole world was going to be turned upside down just six months later. I was right that everything was shaken up by Benjamin's arrival, but another six months down the line and it feels as though the dust has settled once again. I now find myself in the funny position of feeling very secure and also incredibly unsteady, all at the same time.
I am lucky to have strong foundations underneath me. My relationship with Paul, our home and our life together, my job, my friends and community. All of that brings me joy, but at the same time it feels a little too safe, a little too staid right now. I don't know whether it's because I finally feel like 'me' again after the rollercoaster that is pregnancy and early motherhood, finally able to concentrate on something that isn't just Benjamin, or whether it's because birthdays and New Year are always a reflective time and as I approach 30 (!) I am having a minor crisis, but even with everything I have, I'm not sure I'm quite satisfied.
Someone I went to University with is featured on the latest Forbes Under 30 list, which is an incredible achievement. Obviously, comparison is the thief of joy, as we all know, but I think we are all guilty of feeling a little envious when someone else does something amazing. As I sat with my sleeping baby, still in pyjamas with hair unwashed, reading the article, it definitely gave me pause. Whilst I doubt that anything I will achieve in life will ever attract the attention of Forbes (and I'm not sure I want it to), I do want to *do* something. Something that is above and beyond my comfortable, contented life. I have been guilty on many occasions of taking the easy, safe route because stability and control are important to me. But doing so doesn't bring great achievements. I have so many dreams and ideas in my head, all of which would mean taking more risks and challenging myself more - but maybe now is the time to start doing that a little more.
Becoming a mother has meant giving a lot of myself to my family. My days are currently spent caring for Benjamin and tending to our home and the myriad of chores that come along. That is not to say that I have been completely neglected, but my energy has been elsewhere, rather than on my own achievements and goals. Whilst it will be a long time, if ever, until I can selfishly take all that energy back for myself, I want to start focusing what I do have to spare in a more forward facing direction. Twenty-eight is going to be the year of achieving things.