When I first scheduled in to write this post, I thought that it would be relatively upbeat compared to my previous pregnancy updates. I've made no secret of the fact that I have not been enjoying pregnancy at all, but the second trimester hasn't been nearly as bad as the first (just like everyone tells you). I know plenty of people who have had a rougher time of it than me, so I'm sure this will elicit some eye-rolls, but I have really struggled with the tiredness, the nausea (thankfully past now), the aches and pains and all of the associated nonsense that comes along with pregnancy. I know it's supposed to be magical when the baby kicks, and sometimes it is, but mostly it just hurts. I thought I was getting on top of everything; we'd ordered the pram and the nursery furniture, which definitely made everything feel so exciting, but I definitely hit a wall last Monday. In the last week I've had more than one cry over the fact that everything I'm feeling is an almost permanent state for the next three months, and could even get worse.
Maybe I'm hormonal, or maybe it just sucks to be pregnant (or maybe a bit of both). I hate that it hurts every time I go to get out of bed. I hate that I can't stretch enough to put my towel on the hook of the back of the door. I hate that I get out of breath if I walk up the stairs too quickly. I hate having heartburn. I hate that walking into town to get some lunch now feels like an ordeal, complete with stitch-like pains across my bump. I hate that it's almost impossible to get comfy, but that turning over or adjusting position when I'm sitting or lying down is a mission in itself. I hate having almost nothing to wear. And this baby still needs to get at least twice as big as he is now... I also feel a bit useless in my current state, and whilst it seems a nice idea to have people doing stuff for you, I'm not very good at sitting to the side and letting everyone else get on with things. I am simultaneously worried about leaving work and counting down the days; I'm worried they won't cope without me, and maybe more worried that they will cope too well and won't want me back. It's all just a bit much. Slowing down is *hard* and I go from being grateful that I have time off at weekends to nap and recuperate to feeling guilty for not making the most of this time.
Can I confess something to you, dear Internet? I also sometimes still have doubts about becoming a parent - even now, when there are less than 100 days to go until this little babe is with us. I catch myself wondering whether this whole baby thing was such a great idea, when we could have been swanning off to exotic locations, or visiting friends, or working on exciting projects, or any of those many other things that feel like they're slipping away at a rate of knots. This isn't a logical thought, since those things are not closed off to us in any way even when we become parents, but I can't help but wonder if I'm *really* ready to saddle my whole life to a tiny being who relies on me (on us) for everything. Before I was pregnant, I was adamant that was what I wanted for my life, but as the reality draws closer, the doubts creep in. Don't get me wrong, I already love this little baby and my daydreams are filled with all of the fun we'll all have as a family, but just sometimes I am struck by the reality of this parenting lark and suddenly my carefree life where I'm only truly responsible for myself seems all that more appealing. Does that make me a bad mother already? I hope not as I've barely even started yet.
I'm also getting to the point of dreading the whole 'birth' thing. For someone who really struggles when it comes to all things medical, I've been surprisingly calm about the actual birth part until now. Whether it's blind delusion, or all of the very calming yoga classes I've been going to, I was sure I'd have it in hand. I wasn't looking forward to it, exactly, but it felt entirely manageable the more I read about it. I had visions of being super calm and earth mother-ish at home, lighting candles and letting my body do all the work. The closer it gets, the more I feel like I was kidding myself that such a thing is even possible; although we're in the process of planning a home birth, the stats suggest that most first time mothers end up in hospital regardless of their best laid plans. I know there's really no way to know what's going to happen, and for a control freak like me, that's pretty scary - especially when it could end up with me in exactly the place I *least* want to spend any time. Whilst I'm pragmatic that medical intervention may be necessary, and I'm not going to resist that, I am still holding on to a little bit of hope that I might be able to avoid it and stay home. I am trying to surround myself with positive birth stories, rather than accidentally falling down comment threads with too many horrific details - whilst forewarned can sometimes mean forearmed, I'm not sure that's the case for me right now.
On the positive side (just so this doesn't become a total sob-fest), I have been thinking lots about what our little bubba will be like. It's exciting that he's entirely a mystery to us right now, but soon we'll know him better than we know almost anyone else on earth. I'm pretty sure he'll be fair with blue eyes, if genetics are anything to go by (and I am reliably informed they are) but other than that? There's just no way of telling. I'm impatient to meet him (and dress him in adorable little outfits), so I'm trying to focus on that feeling, rather than anything else - which is easier said than done when he's giving me a good kicking...