24 Signs You Are a New Mum

  1. You’ve lost count of how many people have fondled your boobs in the last couple of weeks… 
  2. Do you even own any clothes that aren’t pyjamas? ‘Cos if it doesn’t have a stretchy waistband then it may never see the light of day again. 
  3. Food has never tasted so good to you. Gimme all the cheese and sushi! 
  4. Caffeine is no longer optional in your life. Can you hook it straight into your veins or…? 
  5. You can’t stop yourself from referring to yourself or your partner in the third person. Yep, Mama does need you to stop crying and for Dad to get her some wine… 
  6. You thought you were obsessed with cleanliness before?! Think again… *washes hands and sanitises everything in sight*
  7. Your phone is out of storage because you’ve snapped so many almost-identical photos of your newborn. They’re just so cute, though!
  8. You might have strained your eyes from rolling them at people who claim that they’re ‘exhausted’. They don’t know the true meaning of tired!
  9. It’s now totally normal to discuss bodily functions with almost-strangers. 
  10. Google has become your best friend and worst enemy. 
  11. You swore you wouldn’t be those parents… but at least 50% of your conversations have been about poop in the last couple of weeks. 
  12. You’ve gone from productive girl boss to putting ‘shower’ on your to do list (and not really even being that fussed if you tick it off…)
  13. You have a lot of opinions about property development because of your slight addiction to Homes Under the Hammer. 
  14. You’re a little convinced that staring at the baby will keep it alive. Constant vigilance! 
  15. Gourmet meals are ones that you get to eat with both hands whilst they’re still warm. 
  16. Have you stumbled into some kind of time warp? Because you could have sworn that only 10 minutes has gone by but it seems to be getting dark again?! What day is it?!?
  17. You don’t dare leave the house without a suitcase packed to the brim with baby supplies. What if they need their nappy changing 10 times whilst you walk round the block?! *packs more nappies* 
  18. You have strong opinions on nappy brands already. Aldi, FTW! 
  19. You’ve had a moment where you wondered whether you should have just gotten a puppy instead… 
  20. Are you in some kind of musical? Because you’re spending a lot of time singing these days… 
  21. You’re convinced that your baby might be smarter than they let on. How do they know to scream as soon as you are otherwise occupied?!
  22. You’ve completed at least three new series on Netflix since your little bundle of joy arrived. 
  23. You feel a little bit devastated and a little bit ecstatic when people point out that your baby has grown. You mean they’re not going to be a little squishy newborn forever?! 
  24. You’re a bit smug because you’re convinced that you have the objectively cutest baby on the planet. It’s not because you are biased or anything… 

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