[Photo by Green Chameleon]
It’s me. I think it’s time that we talked. Because what we’ve got going on? It’s not working for me. And I don’t think it’s working for you, either. You deserve more from me. I know that I can be hot and cold – some weeks, it’s like we’re barely apart, and others, it’s like you don’t exist. But I’ll be honest, I think you expect too much from me sometimes. It’s unhealthy, this cycle of obsession, neglect and guilt. That much I know for sure.
But you know what else I know for sure? I am a blogger. It’s just who I am. I have been blogging for around ten years – longer than I have done almost anything else other than eat, sleep, and read. Blogging is my first love, and is so much a part of my personality that I think I would be a blogger even if I didn’t have a blog.
Things have changed in that time. What was once a nerdy hobby that none of my friends understood, now blogging is a glossy career that my friends still don’t understand. Scribbled musings have given way to staged photoshoots and content creators. I started blogging before I started tweeting, Instagramming or even oversharing on Facebook (although I like to think I’m not too guilty of that one). Now? Social media is an extension of blogging, an obligatory if enjoyable extra. I’m not saying that any of this is a bad thing – I don’t like the lamenting for the ‘good old days’ without an acknowledgement of the ‘good new days’. But things are different, now.
Let’s be real – we’re never going to be professionals, you and I. That’s just not the way we work. I like the buzz of an office, the security of a regular paycheck, and the company of colleagues. Not to mention that, despite my many years in the trenches, I don’t think I have what it takes. So I want this to be fun, for both of us. I’ve got a lot going on IRL. There’s a lot of competition for my time, and I often feel a lot of anxiety about how I spend it. If I’m blogging and spending time with you, I worry that I’m missing out. And if I’m doing something else and spending time with others, I feel guilty about not taking care of you. You are selfless – you wait for me to return – but sometimes I threaten not to and that seems unfair to you. Sometimes I like the idea of a life without you – whole weekends without posts to write, emails to return, photos to take. Can you imagine such a thing? And yet, when you left me briefly earlier this year (thanks to my own technical incompetence) I sobbed as if a relative had died. I have poured myself into this space, it is a record of my life and a testament to my achievements and I couldn’t live without you.
So let’s change things up. Let’s make friends again. No schedule. No pressure. More posts that I can look back on in years to come and sigh and giggle at the memories. Less blogging for blogging’s own sake. More writing and enjoying and recording. Shall we?
You’re still my number one. Always and forever.
Lots of love